Sharon: I don’t understand how cats work.
Ben: Insert food, receive poop.
Alan: Isn’t that how most living things work?
Shawn: I spaced out for a moment and missed something.
Ian: The purpose of your life is to produce poop.
(Talking about how film companies often devolve into bad sequels)
Alan: Inside Out was pretty good though. Or so I hear.
Greg: But that wasn’t a sequel.
Alan: Right. So Pixar can still make good original stuff.
Greg: But the other half is stuff like “Tugboats 4: Return of Eeeeeeeee-youuuuuuuu”
Alan (joining in): eeeeeeee
Ian (joining in): eeeeeeeee
Greg: We sound like bagpipes.
Ian: Keithpipes are when you take out Keith’s stomach and turn it into a musical instrument.
Keith: No. Don’t do this.
Ian: I wonder if any of these other books are awesome.
Alan: Isn’t that a dictionary?
Ian: Yeah. This one isn’t as good.
Alan: So who’s organizing dinner?
Mars: We’re playing Scrabble, so you are.
Greg: And I want to go to the gym.
Mars: And we want to go see Frozen. Get to it.
Ian: Yeah. Start filming Frozen!
Alan: i dont know what a bachelor’s party involves anyway
Zeke: I guess I did one for a friend in Arizona
Zeke: We just stayed up all night in the desert though
Zeke: And ate the groom
Zeke: The bride couldn’t marry him until we pooped him out again
Zeke: That’s legal in Arizona though because it was a man poo
Alan: if the bride ate him would it still be a man poo?
Alan: does the gender follow the consumee or the consumer?
Zeke: Well, you are what you eat
Zeke: So I think she becomes male
Zeke: And then she can’t gay marry her man poo groom
Alan: And there’s the 3D Grilled Cheese Steakburger.
Greg: Of course it’s 3D. What kind of advertisement is that? Unless they steamroll it before they serve it to you…
Madelyn: I only get four years of waved tuition.
Michael: “Only”?! I want four years of waved tuition.
Emily: You should have come out of a professor’s womb, Michael.
Alan: Isn’t Madelyn’s dad the professor?
Emily: You should have come out of a womb that married a professor.
Emily: Evan! “Pitchfork.” Italicized or not?
Alan: Is that a magazine?
Emily: Yeah, some hipster shit.
Evan: A regular old pitchfork? What kind of question is that? You’re fired.
(Discussing health care and how it’s “socialist”)
Alan: But what about fire and police services? Why are those okay?
Anna: There’s no logic behind it. It’s like, “I’ve been told this is a bad thing, and I don’t want to be like the other countries that are happier.”