Ian: How great would it be if my calculator in high school could generate random numbers? Like you’re in the SAT and there’s four options… do you roll your pencil or something? That kind of sucks.



Greg: Keeeeeeeeeeee
Alan (joining in): eeeeeeee
Ian (joining in): eeeeeeeee
All: eeeeeeeeth
Greg: We sound like bagpipes.
Ian: Keithpipes!
Ian: Keithpipes are when you take out Keith’s stomach and turn it into a musical instrument.
Keith: No. Don’t do this.



Ian: We should make a startup for jumping onto your face. Think of all the things that could clamp on to your head.
Al-Tim: True. Like…
Ian: Koalas.
Al-Tim: Cucumbers.

(Talking about a startup that shoves cucumbers up people’s noses)
Ian: I’d invest my own money in that.
Al-Tim: How much?
Ian: Five bucks.
Al-Tim: Is that five bucks per cucumber?
Ian: Yes
Al-Tim: Or per nose? No, you already agreed to cucumber. So I’m just going to find one very desperate person. We’ll put it on the internet. People will be able to choose which organic, local farm they get the cucumber to shove up that person’s nose.



(Talking about a potential game where you’re driving the Google bus running over locals)
Al-Tim: Someone should make this game. Go, run over all the locals. Do it again tomorrow, except now all the locals are angry, so now they all have bears.
Ian: That’s what missing from protests: bears. If we could train bears to hold signs, protesting would be so much better.

Al-Tim; Dammit. I wanted to punch the bears. And some stupid innovator is punching all the bears
Ian: Yeah, if you came here, everyone would be like “You’re just a copycat. He’s already punching all the bears.”



Al-Tim: Why can’t I send words to your head? Just look at the words in your head.
Ian: No, there are no words in my head.
Al-Tim: Oh, well I sent some words over the internet. To, like whatever.



(Ian is looking at the thermostat in the hotel room)
Ian: Whoa, you can set a fire in here. Or make it snow.
You wanna set a fire? Or make it snow? Those are your only two options.
… Oh, there’s a button here that does both.