Ian: I’m glad Pokemon Go exists. I’ve always wanted to live in a world where people on the street of any age and any occupation will stop and fight you.
Sharon: I don’t understand how cats work.
Ben: Insert food, receive poop.
Alan: Isn’t that how most living things work?
Shawn: I spaced out for a moment and missed something.
Ian: The purpose of your life is to produce poop.
Alan (joining in): eeeeeeee
Ian (joining in): eeeeeeeee
Greg: We sound like bagpipes.
Ian: Keithpipes are when you take out Keith’s stomach and turn it into a musical instrument.
Keith: No. Don’t do this.
Ian: We should make a startup for jumping onto your face. Think of all the things that could clamp on to your head.
Al-Tim: True. Like…
(Talking about a startup that shoves cucumbers up people’s noses)
Ian: I’d invest my own money in that.
Al-Tim: How much?
Ian: Five bucks.
Al-Tim: Is that five bucks per cucumber?
Al-Tim: Or per nose? No, you already agreed to cucumber. So I’m just going to find one very desperate person. We’ll put it on the internet. People will be able to choose which organic, local farm they get the cucumber to shove up that person’s nose.
(Talking about a potential game where you’re driving the Google bus running over locals)
Al-Tim: Someone should make this game. Go, run over all the locals. Do it again tomorrow, except now all the locals are angry, so now they all have bears.
Ian: That’s what missing from protests: bears. If we could train bears to hold signs, protesting would be so much better.
Al-Tim; Dammit. I wanted to punch the bears. And some stupid innovator is punching all the bears
Ian: Yeah, if you came here, everyone would be like “You’re just a copycat. He’s already punching all the bears.”
Al-Tim: Why can’t I send words to your head? Just look at the words in your head.
Ian: No, there are no words in my head.
Al-Tim: Oh, well I sent some words over the internet. To, like whatever.
(Ian is looking at the thermostat in the hotel room)
Ian: Whoa, you can set a fire in here. Or make it snow.
You wanna set a fire? Or make it snow? Those are your only two options.
… Oh, there’s a button here that does both.
Ian: I wonder if any of these other books are awesome.
Alan: Isn’t that a dictionary?
Ian: Yeah. This one isn’t as good.
Alan: So who’s organizing dinner?
Mars: We’re playing Scrabble, so you are.
Greg: And I want to go to the gym.
Mars: And we want to go see Frozen. Get to it.
Ian: Yeah. Start filming Frozen!
Ian: The Sesame Street juice boxes are a lie. They don’t contain the juices listed on the front.
Mars: Like Elmo?
Ian: Yeah. The Elmo one doesn’t contain Elmo juice.