Evan: Slant 12!
Emily: Slant 13!
Madelyn: Ooh, let’s see if Evan catches THAT.
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Author Archives: Alan V
Pitchfork
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Emily: Evan! “Pitchfork.” Italicized or not?
Alan: Is that a magazine?
Emily: Yeah, some hipster shit.
Evan: A regular old pitchfork? What kind of question is that? You’re fired.
Happy
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(Discussing health care and how it’s “socialist”)
Alan: But what about fire and police services? Why are those okay?
Anna: There’s no logic behind it. It’s like, “I’ve been told this is a bad thing, and I don’t want to be like the other countries that are happier.”
Toledo
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Amber: To Leo!
Eric: It sounds like you’re toasting Toledo.
Amber: Toledo!
Dan: I will not toast Toledo.
Amber: Where are all the people?
Instant baby
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Amber: If you come up with baby-in-a-bucket, I’m sure you will sell a lot of that product. Like sea monkees. Just mix the powder, stir…
Tights
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Mars: At least tights aren’t fashionable anymore.
Forks
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(Looking at all the forks on the table)
Marina: Just work your way in.
Dan: Oh right. My soup fork, my salad fork…
Pancakes
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(Discussing the pancake problem)
Mars: Can we make malicious pancakes when we get home?
Ian: Instead of blueberries you add malace.
Mars: What aisle of the supermarket is the malace in?
Keith: I’m not sure Giant Eagle has that.
Greg: Oh they do.
Puppy
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Alan: Mars, are you getting married yet?
Mars: Puppy first
Al-Tim: What you need is an illegitimate puppy so you have to hide it and hurry up and get married.
Ian: What’s this?
Al-Tim: It’s kind of hush hush. If people knew they had a puppy it could ruin them.
Married
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Ian: What if they ask me to be the priest?
Al-Tim: Just remember that no one will listen to you until you say, “So you guys want to get married?”
Greg: Say it exactly like that.