(Looking at all the forks on the table)
Marina: Just work your way in.
Dan: Oh right. My soup fork, my salad fork…
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Author Archives: Alan V
Pancakes
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(Discussing the pancake problem)
Mars: Can we make malicious pancakes when we get home?
Ian: Instead of blueberries you add malace.
Mars: What aisle of the supermarket is the malace in?
Keith: I’m not sure Giant Eagle has that.
Greg: Oh they do.
Puppy
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Alan: Mars, are you getting married yet?
Mars: Puppy first
Al-Tim: What you need is an illegitimate puppy so you have to hide it and hurry up and get married.
Ian: What’s this?
Al-Tim: It’s kind of hush hush. If people knew they had a puppy it could ruin them.
Married
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Ian: What if they ask me to be the priest?
Al-Tim: Just remember that no one will listen to you until you say, “So you guys want to get married?”
Greg: Say it exactly like that.
Prancer
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Dan: Have you seen the movie Prancer?
Ian: Cancer?
Dan: Prancer
Ian: That’s not the same as Cancer.
Al-Tim: Is that the story of a crab?
Night
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Greg: We’ve never seen West Virginia in the day.
Keith: It’s always night in West Virginia.
Children
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rlambert: I’m not willing to have more children than hands
Eric: That’s the great thing: every one is another two hands
Fire
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Alan: should i get flash point?
Ian: You should set real fires.
Alan: hmm
Ian: You should set your hair on fire. And people can fund it online.
Ian: Your hair is on fire: the board game. It comes with a board and pieces. They don’t do anything but you won’t notice that because your hair is on fire.
Ian: It will have a snappy tagline. The tagline is “OH NO MY HAIR”.
Ian: I wrote a detailed backstory for the boardgame. The game takes place in a magical fantasy kingdom. Everyone in the kingdom was happy until one day there was a witch. The witch said “Now Alan’s hair is on fire.”. The king said “Who’s Alan?”. The end.
Wheat
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(Playing Settlers)
Ben: Hey wheat baronness. I want a wheat. I’m prepared to pay handsomely for it.
Simiao: What?
Ben: A brick.
(Crickets)
Ben: Oh, never mind. I don’t want your stupid wheat.
Ben: Wheat baroness, I need a wheat.
Simiao: For what?
Ben: Your wish is my command.
Simiao: A rock.
Ben: I can almost do that. I can almost do that.
PHP
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Zeke: you worked pretty well on that level builder yesterday
Zeke: and then on my mom last night
Alan: i see
Alan: hot
Zeke: I can’t decide which code you more hastily banged out last night
Zeke: the PHP or the DNA
Alan: well, given how much your mom has sex, it took an awful long time to get her finished
Alan: so i think the PHP was faster
Zeke: sadly, both of those formats are really good at encouraging stupidity to multiply