Emily: Evan! “Pitchfork.” Italicized or not?
Alan: Is that a magazine?
Emily: Yeah, some hipster shit.
Evan: A regular old pitchfork? What kind of question is that? You’re fired.
Michael: I don’t think I’m ok with you assaulting people with my notepad.
Emily: But you left it in the office. You bequeathed it to me! I declare it!
(Emily is upset that Person’s Op is all women after already redoing it once because it was all Asian women.)
Emily: Try again! Third try! I’m going to keep calling you a racist.
Josh: How am I a racist?
Emily: A chauvinist!
Josh: How dare I ask a woman’s opinion.
Emily: How dare you ask a woman’s opinion on things.
Emily: Stop being biased against your own gender.
(Emily is handing out awards, and gives one to Allison)
Emily: …for daring to write a negative review. That’s a good thing. We can do it. Let’s make some enemies.
Emily: I’m bored I’m bored I’m bored by your bra. I’m BORED. More sexual excitement.
Emily: Reading a not-Tartan, I see. Slut.
Allison: I’m looking up events *for* the Tartan.
Emily: Daniel! Start bartending!
Daniel: Right now? Oh, we got some dayquil. Shots all around.
Madelyn: My back hurts so much.
Emily: If Jonathan was here he could give you a massage.
Madelyn: No he couldn’t, because I would hit him.
Emily: You don’t like back massages?
Madelyn: I don’t like back massages.
Emily: And yet your back hurts.
Madelyn: And yet my back hurts. They could be related, or they could be completely unrelated
Emily: No one talk until I have coffee.
Allison: Guess what I had for breakfast?
Allison: Samoas. I was like, hm… I can have cereal or Girl Scout cookies.